I’ve been trying to write about sex for awhile now. I actually have a couple rough drafts sitting in my inbox marked “unread” so that I will go back, edit, and work on them. Clearly, that hasn’t happened.
It’s a funny thing wanting to write about a topic yet having nothing worth posting written. How can I write about sex? I’m not a sex-pert (I’m ok with not having that title, by the way). My family could read this….my lover could read this…clients and coworkers…well you get my point. So instead of writing about sex I decided to just write
Just kidding! Ok, in all seriousness of Living ClareLesley, I am actually excited to broach this topic. Why? Well, I happen to think that too many people are having sex for all the wrong reasons. Too many people are not enjoying sex and too many people are not vulnerable enough in the bedroom to really, fully enjoy themselves and their partner. Being vulnerable gets a bad rap. By definition “weak, defenseless” but in love vulnerability takes the walls down. It requires you to be your authentic self. In a relationship, shouldn’t you want to be authentic? We as humans fear that if we let people in and reveal our true self that they’ll run. I say: then run! Take me for who I am, and if not time saved. A great article on being vulnerable in relationships is here for your enjoyment.
Seriously, if you cannot be your authentic self, it will be difficult to find an authentic relationship. They kind of go together.
So now, with a twisted arm I’m here writing about SEX–it’s a popular subject, and Clare said that I have a distinct point of view on the topic. I was raised to wait until I was married. Spoiler alert! I didn’t. Then one day my mother told me not to wait until I was married. Her virgin friends were getting divorced. My parents didn’t wait they’re divorced. Clearly, this is not exact science. I already had broken the wait until my wedding day when she retracted her parenting on the subject. But, at least now I wouldn’t have to pretend.
In my years of rule breaking I learned and observed some interesting things. Today let’s go over (briefly this is a blog not a novel) vulnerability in the sack. Now by “vulnerability” I’m not suggesting you cry during the act. Although who knows you might. I’m speaking about you letting your guards down so that you have the freedom to be you: feel what you’re feeling in that moment; have the confidence to share your needs, wants and desires! Seriously, if you guard yourself you can still have S E X…but with your guard up you can also spend your time having a latte, reading a book or catching up on your sleep—none of which need a shower after.
My dearest yoga buddy and I were juicing, post corpse pose. I was telling her about my ideas for this first SEX post. She shared that now that she knows exactly who she is in the sheets and what she wants and desires it makes it easier to decipher if she wants to keep the suitor around. Moral of the story here: if you aren’t yourself how will they know if they enjoy you and you enjoy them? If you’re absolutely your true self then you’ll know (and attract) your best mate! Know WHY you’re doing it. Simon Sinek wrote “Starts with Why”. It’s a fantastic read for all aspiring entrepreneurs but it works for your sex lives as well. Ask yourself: do I want to do this? What do I want to happen after? Am I scratching an itch? Landing a partner?
First, super important if your answer to the first question isn’t a F*ck Yes it’s a huge no and walk away.
Second, are you 100% ok if nothing happens after? Seriously! If you cannot promise yourself zero disappointment then wait. Sex one time or multiple times does not a mate make. If you’re having sex to land a mate…well you’ve heard the saying you get what you pay for. Build a strong foundation before you build the house.
Third, if you do not know what turns you on/off then no sex. You’ve gotta tell your partner what you like or want. If you cannot do this because you’re embarrassed or haven’t taken the time to discover. Wait. Take the time and then proudly share it with your person!
If I’m making you blush or feel awkward then quite honestly it’s not time you’re that intimate with another person. My favorite movie is Pretty Woman. I love Julia Roberts. As a teenager I remember the line where she says “I don’t kiss on the mouth…too personal”.
Well…for crying out loud sex should be personal! You and the person you’re taking to the mattresses or outside or in the kitchen should be this incredible personal moment! It shouldn’t be going through the motions and doing what you think they’ll enjoy or what you think you should be doing. Sex should be this personal time spent together pleasuring each other the way you each enjoy!
For my lady readers it’s not all about them and hoping sex equals a relationship.
For my men a little secret…find out what makes her jump and she’ll never “be too tired” or have a “headache” again!
It’s time we all enjoy sex for what it is, not what we think it should be. Go get vulnerable, readers!