If you’ve been reading my goals posts, you’ll know that I’m struggling with my brain not liking my waist–I mean I’m human, so who among us does like our bodies more than three days in a row?
So I’m sitting here this morning, a lovely sunny summer Sunday in NYC, and enjoying my coffee. There is nowhere I have to be today, I do have a few obligations (phone calls), and errands, but nowhere I have to be. And I’m taking a lovely sip of my French pressed coffee and as I swallow, I’m realizing for the first time in weeks, I’m actually enjoying my coffee. Its warmth, its nuttyness, its robust but creamy taste; as the warm and and the caffeine hit my system, I’m slowly awakening into, and becoming a part of the world again. I’m drinking it out of one of my seven favorite mugs–If you’re an original follower you might remember that I’ve moved six times in three years–so I’ve dwindled down my coffee mug collection, so I have exactly the number of cups (that I LOVE) for the number of days in the week. I’m drinking out of this beautiful oversized bone china tea cup–I can’t get away from working for three years in a fine china shop–all of my dishes HAVE to be quality! I’d decided to enjoy my coffee and read a little (my roommate loaned me her copy of Warrior Goddess Training to assist my brain realignment with my body issues) as the sun and the breeze stream into my NYC apartment, and the coffee is bringing me into life and bliss, I’m realizing: this cup of coffee is amazing, and life is too short to drink crappy coffee.
Let me back up a little, and bring you to the pinnacle of why this realization is important. For the past six weeks or so, I’ve been trying to drink alternative coffee. As in, I like my coffee lightish and sweetish. I don’t need it to taste like a Werther’s Original, but I don’t need to suck on coffee grounds, either. The easy way to deal with this is to buy those presweetened flavored creamers. Which have a lot of sugar. I’ve been drinking these for years…. but I decided that a good way to cut my sugar intake was to take the flavored cream out of my life. So I did. I tried almond milk. I tried unsweetened almond milk. I tried cashew milk. I tried sugar alternatives. I tried just milk. I was so unhappy–I tried to make alternative coffee work… but it just wasn’t the same. Yeah, yeah, first world problems, I totally know… but its a fine line, isn’t it–the difference between taking care of one’s self well, and what we’ve deemed as a first world problem. I mean, its one thing to complain about creamer when, I realize, there are people starving in some countries, and I sit here and complain about finding a creamer that tastes good, but won’t add five pounds to my waist whenever I have a serving. But this is about me taking care of myself. Which is also a fine line. When do we treat ourselves well, or when do we “take care of ourselves”.
I’ve never been starving–I’ve had an extremely low or a negative amount in my bank account many times. I’ve lived off of, and stretched food because of poor choices. However, I also have gone the other direction and found myself eating just to try to make myself happy (aka have been extremely overweight because I was eating because I was depressed).
I’m not the most regimented of people–diets just don’t work for me… I find I become very irritable (aka an extreme bitch) and they never have anywhere close to the results I want (my stomach isn’t much flatter, and my thighs didn’t shrink). However, I am good at moderation–I’ll happily have a handful of chips and stop. Or one serving of ice cream. I’ll have the yummy treat, but then be done.
As I get older, I’m seeing my metabolism slow. I’m witnessing that 10 extra pounds of happiness each decade. I’m probably more healthy than I’ve ever been, as living in New York makes me move and climb and walk much more than I’ve ever done in my life. And yes, I actually go back and re-read my own blog on loving the skin I’m in now every three months or so. But the voices in my head, will loudly remind me that I’m not as skinny as I could and hope to be. Most of the time, I can tell those voices that I’m beautiful no matter what size I am. Like Warrior Goddess Training, and other books like it I’ve read, tell me that its the size in the person not the size OF the person that matters. In other words, confidence is what is beautiful/sexy/attractive. Shape and size are all just perspective.
So back to my coffee–I’m reminded to return from my tangents to the original thought that started this blog because I just got myself a refill. My mom was in town visiting me last week, and I bought flavored creamer for her–as I was finishing out my round of caramel flavored almond milk–still not a winner. This delicious Hazelnut International Delight creamer was left over… and so coming from a “don’t waste food” home, I’m drinking it. And for the first time in weeks, I’m enjoying the coffee. The interesting thing is that it was too sweet and creamy on the first sip, so I watered it down with milk–and ultimately making it a little healthier. A little.
Maybe my enjoyment comes from the fact that I’m drinking something I really like. Maybe my enjoyment comes from the fact that two weeks ago, I threw up my arms, went out and bought fat shorts and decided not to give a fuck about my weight. Maybe the realization comes from the conversation I had with my roommate last night about “overweight” being the line of discomfort that you cross, and not the size of your clothing. Maybe it comes from the price of happiness is worth wearing a size larger shorts this summer (and the understanding that the last two summers I was doing a lot of hiking and walking for my jobs, so I was more active albeit a smaller waist size). Maybe its something entirely different. But this morning, in my one size larger shorts, I’m enjoying this cup of coffee and not caring about anything else. And that’s the point of living, isn’t it–to deal with the ups and downs, and to enjoy and revel in as many moments of goodness as you can.
I’m going to finish this cup of coffee. Let me know what you like to enjoy and revel in!