Haters gonna Hate

Recently I was listening to a Being Boss podcast and the founder of A Practical Wedding was talking about a group that has formed on the web just to “hate” on her. That’s literally all their purpose for existence. Now, I have been the victim of haters. We all have. But, I don’t think many of us have been in a place where a whole group of people took out a site just for the purpose of hating on us.

The girls interviewing her on the podcast asked how it felt to be talked about regularly on the web by a group of strangers. She was so positive. So up beat and “bright side up.” I had to share this with you. She doesn’t actually read any of their comments. Her team does. They do it for one reason: These “haters” help her and her team out. Yep, they actually are using these haters to help make her and her business APW better. They find any editing errors, inconsistencies, and even stats! Yes, stats that she was trying to figure out, and the hater group had them posted for all to see.

We all make mistakes. There is usually someone out there ready to point them out.  The haters are at the ready to find all the failures of her and APW. We know from How to Fail that failure is feedback. Instead of bumming out that they made an error they simply thank these “copy editors” fix the error and move on. Ok, so maybe they do not actually go into their hate forums and say “thank you” but in their awesome APW offices they say it and most importantly they move on. They don’t stress about it.


They are winning at the hating game. We all can win the hating game without having to engage one teeny weeny bit.

  1. What is the trash talk actually saying: I used to work retail and people would often want to call my boss to complain about me.  I could worry; no one wants their boss called. Except, wait! Why were they complaining? Because I wouldn’t let them return someone after the cut off. They wore, used and abused a purse and a year later would want their money back and I said no. I just let them complain. They were basically telling my boss I was great at my job.
  2. Is the trash talk in line with your goal? If they are trash talking how your clothes look, or who are are dating, and you love your clothes and enjoy your mate then remember: you are rubber, they are glue. Your journey is about reaching your dreams.  Let them trash. It’s all just projections about how they are feeling about themselves. You just happen to be the target. Let it all go in one ear, out the other. You can read more about projections here.
  3. Are they they opposite of “yes men”: we have all seen celebrities rise and fall and we think if only they had someone who told them “no.” Well, just like celebrities we all need someone in our life to be the opposite side. Sure, we are freaking amazing, but sometimes an idea isn’t as good as it could be. Haters can be that needed devil’s advocate. Listen to their trash and use it to make your diamond idea sparkle even more. If they see a hole in your plan that you didn’t all the better. You can patch it even before it leaks.

Haters are always gonna hate. You’ll probably never be able to win them over. So don’t even worry about it. Just ask yourself what they are so fussy about. Can you use it to help you soar? No? Then toss it back like a bad fish and throw your line out a little further. APW uses it to fix or create content. Their haters give them a good idea if they are hitting their target audience. If the hate doesn’t help the cause then they ignore it all together. Let them eat their hate. You’ve got too much to good stuff coming your way!


xx~LL

Ways I’m trying to quash my jealousy. 

Jealousy is an interesting feeling. It comes up suddenly and inspires all sorts of feelings: rage, disappointment, loneliness, insecurity, to mention a few. Jealousy is the really frustrated and angry feeling of desire or need for what someone else has. According to Psychology Today “jealousy can strike…when a third party threat to a valued relationship is perceived…”

Now, I don’t get jealous easily. Sure I’ve felt my share of envy: wanting a certain role now, or a new flute in high school, wanting the drive others have to make their careers work.  I am envious of many people, but very rarely jealous.  And although similar, they’re far from the same thing.  Lately, I’ve been suffering tremendously, painful jealousy.  One of my friends seems to spend so much time with another friend and it drives me crazy, nee insane. Al, my friend, seems to continually post on social media every time they hang out. They see each other multiple times a week. They’ve been on vacations together.  And with it in my face constantly, I find that I’m actually doubly jealous because I want a friend like that, and I want to be that to my friend.  I want that, but for some reason can’t have it.  And I don’t know why.


Jealousy is not a fun way to feel. It’s anger and neediness all rolled into one. According to Psychology Today, it’s a survival skill that arises when a relationship feels threatened.  And I guess that is where I am. It’s an odd feeling–I rarely feel threatened.  But for some reason, this friendship I do. I just can’t be all the things that this other friend is to Al.  And I don’t know why. Which makes me seem inferior and unworthy, which makes me jealous and depressed. And the cycle doesn’t stop.

Relationships are chemical. All relationships. Romantic or platonic, although we’re more forgiving in the platonic kind. However this chemical attraction is what keeps the relationship going. We have to work hard on all relationships. We have to come forward, or in my case, let others come forward and take ownership of the relationship as well.  When one person doesn’t seem to put forward as much as the other, it’s frustrating. And it gets worse when they put, what seems to be more effort, towards another person.

I’m jealous because I want to be everything, but I can’t. I want to be as important to Al as he is to me….and I want to believe I am, but for some reason I don’t trust the fact. I don’t expect any of my friends to solely focus on me. That would be narcissistic and boring. But at the same time, I’m jealous that my friend seems to spend a lot of time with another one of his friends.

In a conversation tonight with my friend Dee, a nail was hit on the head. Dee tossed the painful realization at me that I’m seeking to fill a void in my life and seeking to fill it with people who aren’t correctly suited to do so. Instead I need to find the strength within myself to be complete, and not wait around for my friend Al to come dashing to my side–because that has never happened, and probably won’t.


As I’m writing this, I’m babysitting and watching the end of Big Hero 6–the kiddos started it before they went to bed and it’s running in the background. And I do love this movie.  Sorry to ruin it for you, but in one of the final scenes Beta Max says to Hiro–who doesn’t want to leave him– “I will always be with you.”

The Universe always sends the message we need, doesn’t it??

Trust.  Trust is the antidote to jealousy.


I have to trust my friendship.  It is important.  My friend Al does make time for me and is happy to see me, but for some reason I forget that the moment I see a picture on social media.  I have to create a strong talisman against this jealousy. So what am I doing to make this better?

  1. Breathe.  Yeah… this is ALWAYS my first step–but its important to do.
  2. Get it out physically.  DON’T HURT ANYONE, but a nice jog or a hearty physical workout always helps get the emotions out of my body.
  3. Block social media.  I took a break from my friend.  I hid him for a couple of weeks.  If I want to text or call or email, I do.  But I’m taking a social media hiatus until I can handle it again.  (After all, social media isn’t real life.  Its what people want you to see.)
  4. Journal.  And blog.  And talk to friends.  Get it out–otherwise it festers.
  5. Rational conversation.  When I’m ready, I’m going to have a rational, unemotional conversation with my friend–I actually have had this conversation with him a few times.  Every time he always hugs me, tells me I’m silly because he loves spending time with me.
  6. Know your pressure points.  Like in step one, I know that social media pics and posts push me over the edge.  You can’t avoid the pressure points forever, but know when you are about to steer into a situation that might set you off, either mentally arm yourself, or know you’re about to snap, and try to restrain your feelings.

I would like to make clear that I’M NOT a psychologist or psychiatrist.  However I do know people, and I am trying to learn my own mind.  Jealousy is not an easy emotion to deal with, and I certainly haven’t mastered or overcome it yet.  I would love to discuss this with any of you!  Please leave comments or suggestions!!

–Clare

Focus on what you have

Life is amazing! No, I am not joking. I am dead serious. We are often asked “How are you?” Or, “How are things?” I find that people are regularly surprised that I with enthusiasm (even when tired) say that “I’m Great” or, “I’m amazing.” Why do I think they are surprised? Well, they look at me like I’m lying. They respond questioningly with “Really?”

No, this blog is not about how amazing I am. Or why can’t people just take what you tell them for what it is. This blog is about focusing on what you have already in your life. Why? Because if you do your life will feel more amazing to you.


Last year I wrote how to deal with a barrage of green grass.  If you haven’t read it go ahead and check it out. It’ll help with what I am about to tell you. If you focus on what you have already. More will come your way. You don’t have to take my word for it. If you want someone with more clout check out The School of Greatness by Lewis Howes.

In his book (which we are reading for our book club so grab a copy and join us) he talks about the things that successful people regularly do. One is be grateful. Be grateful for what you already have.

I know, this sounds all new agey and yoga like. But, please stick with me here. It is so easy to get caught up in what we do not have. What we think we need. But, what if you instead just took an inventory of what you already have.


I am the first person to beat myself up. I know I just said my life is amazing and I meant it. But, in my personal work and workouts I can be the biggest judge.  I don’t need that little devil on my shoulder, I am perfectly capable of being right inside my head telling myself every little mistake I made. However, after reading this section about being grateful by focusing on all the things you already have, my mind went down a journey into realizing all the strength I already have. Yes, I want more. But, what if I just focused on what I rocked. Only focused on that. Sure, I have to do the exercises and tasks that are hard for me. But, what if I came at them with the same strength and enthusiasm I use on other tasks and exercises? What then? Well, they will probably be easier to at least get through.

I’ve brought Strength Finders  up before. They have a wonderful test and book that helps you figure out your top 5 strengths and how to use those to be the best version of yourself. Again, it’s so easy for us to focus on the things we don’t have. We wish we had more time, money, education, experience, etc. Strength Finders would say you focus on your strengths not your weaknesses and you will have more success. Meaning: Focus on what you already are capable of (have) and more will come. If you focus on the strength and abilities you don’t have or you think you don’t have you’ll be where you are or worse. You’ll feel further behind…stuck. Like your treading water. That’s exhausting!


I’m focusing on taking five minutes each morning to be thankful for what I have that day ahead of me. If I feel a little judgey devil in my head I am going to turn my grateful music on louder and listen to the sounds of focusing on what I have.

Want more in your life? Try this:

  1. Set aside time each day (preferably morning) to write or say what you are grateful for.
  2. When you feel a “I wish” “I need” “if only I had…” Stop. Call a friend or family member and just tell them Thank you for being awesome.
  3. You have all that you need to get to where you are wanting to be.  If you’re reading this you have at least something that connect to the internet. That’s more than lots of people have.
  4. Starve the Devil. He/She feeds off you focusing on what you don’t have. Starve him by thinking about all that you do have.

Is there more I want in this world? Heck yes! YAAS!!! I want so much awesome stuff. But, the truth is if I only look at that list, that picture it will soon feel like a mirage. Like something so far off in the distance that I am not getting any closer to it. Keep my eyes on what is in front of me right now and one day that mirage will be this awesome reality.

Go be Grateful my readers, Focus on your have’s!

xx~LL

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How to deal with the barrage of green grass

The Grass is so much greener on the other side. Isn’t it? Pictures other people post on Facebook showing how gloriously happy they are; the status updates. Everyone of your friends seem to shout to the rooftops and around the world how amazing their life is…well, can be.


But is it? Is it actually greener?


Before I get to deep into this post, let me just say that I am not green with envy at anyone at this moment. I hope not to be ever. Honestly…it’s way too much energy and time wasted. However, I realize that many people are learning to get through this very thing. For the people who are struggling with this issue of jealousy, you need to hear that what you see isn’t always better.

I remember growing up and being jealous of my best friends. They got cars from their parents before I did. They didn’t have to pay for them, either. Their allowances were more than mine. As a teenager I couldn’t think of anything worse in the world than having to ask for a ride. I had to get a job at 15 to have extra money so I could hang out at the mall, too.

So, let’s chat about this greener pasture you’re hung up on. Whose is it? What’s it look like to you? Why is it different than your own pasture? Or for you city folk, why is it better than your own balcony?

 

It’s easy with all the social media to constantly compare your grass (or balcony) to someone else’s. They post a picture of themselves at a gorgeous beach and it’s a Monday. You’re on your way into work and no beautiful beaches in site. Every person’s post is a potential comparison starter.

How do you deal with the barrage of green?

First, check yourself. Are you making choices in your life that are in line with your goals? Or someone else’s?

If it’s someone’s vacation you’re envying: plan your own. Even if it’s a stay-cation! After all their beach pictures could be stunning, but rarely does anyone pick up and go off to Aruba. They planned and treated themselves to a trip. You can do the same thing. That’s a choice.

If it’s weddings and babies you’re envying, remind yourself what it is you really want: a partner, best friend, and a family. You know deep down you want to marry the right person for you. Not just anyone…right?

Also, remember we don’t see the negative side from those exciting and very green pictures. That gorgeous beach picture isn’t showing the crappy hotel in the background or the credit card bill that is inching closer to the limit. People post their best selves, or what they think others want to see. The pictures showing a fantastic night out doesn’t show the evidence of the next morning. Check out Clare’s blog post on “over sharing” for tips on acceptable social media behavior.

It’s interesting looking back at my jealous years, and realizing how lucky I was. How all those experiences got me to where I am today. I had to work hard, and found how to value the things I had instead of wishing for what everyone else had.

Sometimes, because I am human, I find myself checking out others grass. If the hue of green seems to shine brighter I ask myself why? Is it because I want that exact grass? That exact grass means giving up parts of my current life. It means giving up my own grass. So, I remind myself that I live in California. It’s in a drought. There are more things in life worth having than green grass. Succulents are stunning too!


Wouldn’t you rather be your own original story? Knockoffs and remakes are rarely as exciting as the original.


Whose grass have you been envying? What is it about their grass that’s drawing your attention away from your own?

Xx~LL

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