Failure is what makes the goal achievement worth the most

Many times people stop their goal pursuits because they’re afraid to fail!  To me, that is one of the silliest reasons.  We all know, from extensive experience, that the failures along the way were just things that were not meant to be.  They were not going to serve us, and therefore they fell by the wayside.  They were markers to put us back on the right path and focus on what really matters.  AND most importantly, they make the achievement that much greater.  When we get to the top of the mountain and look around to enjoy the view, the slips and foot falls along the way made the view THAT MUCH GREATER.

So, why not fail?  Why not make all the mistakes?  Why not make all the slips and foot falls.  Visualize the view from the top, and take it one step at a time.  If you really want this, you’ll get there eventually.

We believe in you!

xx ~LL

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Goals updates 2016 #34 Clare

I love the fall!  But I feel so overwhelmed!  LL and I had a discussion about our goals and where we are in our journey this year.  I feel like I’ve done pretty well in some areas and not so well in others.

Fall always seems like we’re turning the corner to the end of the year, but it also feels like a fresh start.  So I’m revising my goals.  Maybe one of the reasons I’ve not been successful is that I didn’t quite know what I wanted, and made the wrong goal.  Maybe one of the reasons I’ve had trouble keeping up with my goals is that I’m now bored with the daily steps, or I’ve hit a ceiling.  So 2016 goals revised:

  1. Fitness-This one  I’m keeping exact–keep up with a small exercise daily–I’m sticking with sun saluations.
  2. Finances-This one I keep avoiding.  So I’m going to put it on hold for now and see what my goal really is.
  3. Organization–I’ve cleaned out my closet to a good extent… but I’ve also seemed to fill up the empty spaces.  Maybe I need to shop less!
  4. Book–I’m not sure why this one isn’t working.  Its a big step next: publishing.  I don’t know why I’m scared.  I’m still waiting for help… but I think I need to start asking for help again.
  5. Agent-I’m in a show and reaching out to many about it.  I’m going to focus on going to lots of auditions for the fall.  Getting good work will get me an agent!

Thankful Thursday

Each week we encourage you to tune in, join the discussion and pass on your own thankful thoughts!


We are thankful for the ability to stop.  How often do you just stop what you’re doing, not because its the end of the day, or because you have to–but because you want to?  Give yourself time.  It is the greatest gift–even if its only 10 minutes.  Stop, and take a moment, or three for yourself today!

We are thankful for fast connection.  It is so easy to talk to people these days–remember 20 years ago when we just had land lines and the internet was just starting to go public?  And now you can talk to anyone or look for anything instantly.  Yes, it has trained us to need things more instantaneously, but it is a lovely thing to be able to connect with so many, so easily.  Today is National Presidential Joke Day AND National Sons and Daughters Day–maybe you should take this as a sign to reach out and share a joke with a friend (so many Trump jokes pop into my brain), or reach out to a son, daughter, or someone who is a son or a daughter!

Comment below with what you’re thankful for, and post on social media with #thankfulthursday #liveclarelesley

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Goals #30–2016 LL

I am FLYING right now! I am so stimulated inside and out. I just completed my 3rd module of 4 in “The Work.” As part of my 2016 goals I wanted to complete all 4 modules this year and have fun while doing it! So far I am doing just that.

This week I am digesting all the info I just learned. I am also putting plans into action for my Pilates retreats and other things for 2017. See, around here we have been setting goals up for 2018 and beyond. Yes, this means I am working on goals for today and goals for the future at the same time. But when you love what you do and you know where you want be doing it these goals are magic.

The other exciting thing about being in your goals and really working with them is how much they inspire you to dream even bigger next time. Has this ever happened to you?

Happy Monday! I am off to enjoy the fruits of this weekends goal magic xx~LL

Life is too short for bad coffee

If you’ve been reading my goals posts, you’ll know that I’m struggling with my brain not liking my waist–I mean I’m human, so who among us does like our bodies more than three days in a row?

So I’m sitting here this morning, a lovely sunny summer Sunday in NYC, and enjoying my coffee.  There is nowhere I have to be today, I do have a few obligations (phone calls), and errands, but nowhere I have to be.  And I’m taking a lovely sip of my French pressed coffee and as I swallow, I’m realizing for the first time in weeks, I’m actually enjoying my coffee.  Its warmth, its nuttyness, its robust but creamy taste; as the warm and and the caffeine hit my system, I’m slowly awakening into, and becoming a part of the world again.  I’m drinking it out of one of my seven favorite mugs–If you’re an original follower you might remember that I’ve moved six times in three years–so I’ve dwindled down my coffee mug collection, so I have exactly the number of cups (that I LOVE) for the number of days in the week.  I’m drinking out of this beautiful oversized bone china tea cup–I can’t get away from working for three years in a fine china shop–all of my dishes HAVE to be quality!  I’d decided to enjoy my coffee and read a little (my roommate loaned me her copy of Warrior Goddess Training to assist my brain realignment with my body issues) as the sun and the breeze stream into my NYC apartment, and the coffee is bringing me into life and bliss, I’m realizing: this cup of coffee is amazing, and life is too short to drink crappy coffee.


Let me back up a little, and bring you to the pinnacle of why this realization is important.  For the past six weeks or so, I’ve been trying to drink alternative coffee.  As in, I like my coffee lightish and sweetish.  I don’t need it to taste like a Werther’s Original, but I don’t need to suck on coffee grounds, either.  The easy way to deal with this is to buy those presweetened flavored creamers.  Which have a lot of sugar.  I’ve been drinking these for years…. but I decided that a good way to cut my sugar intake was to take the flavored cream out of my life.  So I did.  I tried almond milk.  I tried unsweetened almond milk.  I tried cashew milk.  I tried sugar alternatives.  I tried just milk.  I was so unhappy–I tried to make alternative coffee work… but it just wasn’t the same.  Yeah, yeah, first world problems, I totally know… but its a fine line, isn’t it–the difference between taking care of one’s self well, and what we’ve deemed as a first world problem.  I mean, its one thing to complain about creamer when,  I realize, there are people starving in some countries, and I sit here and complain about finding a creamer that tastes good, but won’t add five pounds to my waist whenever I have a serving.  But this is about me taking care of myself.  Which is also a fine line.  When do we treat ourselves well, or when do we “take care of ourselves”.  


I’ve never been starving–I’ve had an extremely low or a negative amount in my bank account many times.  I’ve lived off of, and stretched food because of poor choices.  However, I also have gone the other direction and found myself eating just to try to make myself happy (aka have been extremely overweight because I was eating because I was depressed).

I’m not the most regimented of people–diets just don’t work for me… I find I become very irritable (aka an extreme bitch) and they never have anywhere close to the results I want (my stomach isn’t much flatter, and my thighs didn’t shrink).  However, I am good at moderation–I’ll happily have a handful of chips and stop.  Or one serving of ice cream.  I’ll have the yummy treat, but then be done.

As I get older, I’m seeing my metabolism slow.  I’m witnessing that 10 extra pounds of happiness each decade.  I’m probably more healthy than I’ve ever been, as living in New York makes me move and climb and walk much more than I’ve ever done in my life.  And yes, I actually go back and re-read my own blog on loving the skin I’m in now every three months or so.  But the voices in my head, will loudly remind me that I’m not as skinny as I could and hope to be.  Most of the time, I can tell those voices that I’m beautiful no matter what size I am.  Like Warrior Goddess Training, and other books like it I’ve read, tell me that its the size in the person not the size OF the person that matters.  In other words, confidence is what is beautiful/sexy/attractive.  Shape and size are all just perspective.


So back to my coffee–I’m reminded to return from my tangents to the original thought that started this blog because I just got myself a refill.  My mom was in town visiting me last week, and I bought flavored creamer for her–as I was finishing out my round of caramel flavored almond milk–still not a winner.  This delicious Hazelnut International Delight creamer was left over… and so coming from a “don’t waste food” home, I’m drinking it.  And for the first time in weeks, I’m enjoying the coffee.  The interesting thing is that it was too sweet and creamy on the first sip, so I watered it down with milk–and ultimately making it a little healthier.  A little.

Maybe my enjoyment comes from the fact that I’m drinking something I really like. Maybe my enjoyment comes from the fact that two weeks ago, I threw up my arms, went out and bought fat shorts and decided not to give a fuck about my weight.  Maybe the realization comes from the conversation I had with my roommate last night about “overweight” being the line of discomfort that you cross, and not the size of your clothing.  Maybe it comes from the price of happiness is worth wearing a size larger shorts this summer (and the understanding that the last two summers I was doing a lot of hiking and walking for my jobs, so I was more active albeit a smaller waist size). Maybe its something entirely different.  But this morning, in my one size larger shorts, I’m enjoying this cup of coffee and not caring about anything else.  And that’s the point of living, isn’t it–to deal with the ups and downs, and to enjoy and revel in as many moments of goodness as you can.

I’m going to finish this cup of coffee.  Let me know what you like to enjoy and revel in!

–Clare

 

 

 

Perfect for someone

This morning while running around UCLA I was listening to this weeks episode of the “Being Boss” podcast.  They were interviewing artist Brenda Mangalore about her transition from working in the corporate world as a web designer to living as an artist. An artist who gets paid to do what she loves. She would pray that she wouldn’t have to go into work each day. One day this made her wonder. Why do I not want to go to work? It’s a perfectly good job. Great job really. That’s when she realized that this perfectly good job was perfectly good for someone else but not her.

Perfection is very attractive. We tend to all be striving to do something or multiple things perfectly. It’s easy to want to be the best. Perfection is a bright shiny object. It’s like a moth to a flame. But we usually fall for perfection on paper. Because as we know “Perfect” just doesn’t exist.

This all got me thinking. I remember setting my goals about 5ish years ago. I had some great goals about work that I wanted and can now look back and see I have achieved. But some of my personal and health goals. Well they were perfectly good goals. Goals many people would have understood and even supported me on or joined in with me. But, they didn’t really light my fire. I actually kept postponing them, making excuses of why I shouldn’t do them. Which got me wondering…why someone who loves achieving goals is literally shoving goals in a corner. Oh, because these goals were perfectly good for someone but not for me.

Here are a couple of other “perfect” journeys:

Perfect Job: As you know if you have been reading our blog for awhile I have twice left salaried jobs for something else. Something my heart was yearning for. Something bigger than what I was doing. Both times I was expecting people to be as excited as I was for this next adventure. What I found when I told people I was quitting my job was shock, concern and worry. Most people said “Are you sure?” There were only a couple people who were supportive in a way that didn’t feel like they were waiting for the bottom to drop. I even felt like some people thought I would change my mind. Both jobs on paper were pretty awesome. Decent work schedules, good pay, room for growth and the ability to lead others. But both had run their course. Both jobs were perfect for someone else but not for me.

Perfect Mate: Just like in my jobs situation when I left my ex I had more people as me “if I was sure?” Plenty of people reminding me I could always go back. Most people just didn’t understand how I could leave a relationship that was “working.” My ex was a lot of things that many people would want. He has even recently married. He was perfect on paper, a great person but just not the right mate for me.

I think it’s important for us all to take time to do inventory in our lives and see where we are keeping things because they are perfect on paper or because they are “perfect” for you.

Do you wake up and dreading doing something you used to love?

Do you find yourself wishing you would wake up sick so you don’t have to work?

Do you sometimes wish your significant other would break up with you?

Are you making excuses for not doing something you say you want?

It’s not easy to give up with “perfect on paper” situation. But, what if you could? What would it take to give it up? Do you have to save up money, take a class or classes, move somewhere? Vision your life doing what’s right for you instead of doing what’s right for someone else. Then take that leap of faith! I promise from our end you’ll get lots of high-fives.

I left that perfect job and perfect mate and am thousands times happier. Life would have been fine if I stayed. Life is so much fuller because I did me. I through out that perfect paper and just trusted my vision. It’s so worth it.

I highly recommend listening to the full podcast episode. It’s always incredible to hear how someone went from the 9-5 job to rocking their bliss. We all have our own journey. I’ll repeat that, we all have our own journey. Enjoy yours!

xx~LL

Goals Update 2016 #27 LL

I have been spending the last 4 days with my Mom! She is visiting LA and we have been enjoying some quality time together. Weekends like this is when I really have to trust my work/life blend. There is a balancing act when ever anyone visits. I’m happy to say that this blend is working. It’s all about planning. Just like goal setting is all about planning.

This week I’m doing a lot of evaluation. Where is everything heading? Is that the direction I want still? How will what I am doing today affect what I want for 2017?

Personal: The podcast I do with my husband is 5 weeks in and doing great. It’s so fun to have something to do together.

Financial: We are on track. It’s a new track but it’s working. Sometimes you just have to re-work the plan.

Business: My reach is expanding! It’s really incredible to hear the feedback from those reading my business blogs and interacting on social media.

Ok, back to visiting with Mom! Hope you are finding a nice way to blend life and work this week. xx~LL IMG_8605

7 Life Habits I Learned in Acting Class

I look back fondly, and with a spoonful of laughter at one of my first required classes I took for my acting degree. My school called it “Voice and Movement,” but every acting program has a similar class. Before they’ll allow you to tackle text (or scripts), you have to learn how to effectively use your instrument (your body) and how to be kind to yourself. As a “kid” in her early 20s, I’ll admit I scoffed at some of the things we did. I called the class “kindergarten for actors” which I still do. And I still chuckle to myself at people lying on the floor doing “Dying Cockroach.” (Lay on your back. Put your arms and legs in the air and “tremor” or shake your arms and legs, while vocalizing (moaning out loud). It’s very silly looking, but it does help you relax your body and help yourself get a good deep breath.)

While we did many silly things, walked around the room with different parts of our body leading, said poems or tongue twisters while on all fours pretending to be animals, and other things that seemed silly then and now, but I’m sure helped embed technique into my soul. But the basics of acting, and life, really, were retaught to me in that class. I try to do these things daily, but sometimes they don’t happen–and honestly, my “bad days” are the ones I didn’t prep for. I’m not saying: do all of these things daily and everyday will be perfect. I’m just saying that if you go into every day “warmed up” you’ll have a much better chance at dealing with any crisis that arises.
1. Breathe— if you regularly read my posts, you’ll see a theme. I probably honed breathing in college, because it is the best way to conquer nerves, but my mother has been preaching deep breaths to me from day one. A good deep breath relaxes and centers you. It’s great to support your speaking voice. When I’m nervous, I think of my breath as those little scrubbing bubble dudes for my stomach butterflies and nerves; breath goes in and scrubs the stomach releasing the butterflies, who get caught in the bubbles and are released with an out breath. Laying flat on the floor and taking a deep breath in is also magical. It allows anything that you’re holding, to just release out. I should write a whole blog on breath and breathing…stay tuned!

2. Stretching–warm up that body. If you’ve been following my goals blog, I’ve been doing at least 4 Sun Salutations every morning. We did lots of yoga and Pilates when I was in Voice and Movement. Stretching was highly encouraged: every morning, before shows, and always at the start of class. Even if you’re just reaching high up to the sky and then down to your toes a few times and then twisting at the waist a little back and forth. Do your stretching after you’ve moved around a little. As in, pee, wash your face, put the kettle or coffee on and then stretch. I have truly gotten to the point where I miss stretching. I have a couple of jobs that require me to be very physical, and I make sure that I do some extra stretching on those days. I really can tell the difference.

3. Vocalizing–Everyone should make a little bit of noise upon waking up. Your vocal chords are a muscle, too! They need stretching. Do a gentle hum while making coffee or in the shower–the best place!! Just five minutes of gentle vocalization first thing in the morning–more if you want–will help. You’ll find you’ll clear your throat much less, you’ll be able to talk for longer and louder, and not be so vocally tired at the end of the day. Stretching your lips and face are good too. It’s ok. Make the funny noises and faces–no one is watching. (And if they are, charge admission!)

4. Use different tactics–one of my favorite exercises in class was using a technique created by Michael Chekhov–who has several technique books if you’re interested. One day my teacher walked in and while we were stretching and warming up, she wrote the following words on the board:

  • push
  • pull
  • lift
  • drag
  • penetrate
  • throw
  • cut
  • collect

The activity was to say our prepared monologue for the class that sat in a circle around us and during the monologue the teacher would shout out one of these words. We were to physically or vocally engage in the action without stopping our monologue. At first this was hard, but I now do it with any text I work on. This activity requires you to stop your already focused mind into doing something different.  It makes you change the idea that you’re working with and head in a different direction.  Switching up a tactic will do two things: give you a different perspective, and get you out of your rut.

When you are doing the same thing over and over, you get the same or similar results. When you do the same thing with a different tactic, even if it’s only inside you, there will be a shift or change. As I’m not one for drudgery or repeating the same things over and over and over the same way, I love using different tactics in life. Right now, I’m unhappy with my weight. On any given day I can push myself to eat more veggies, pull myself to work out more, and lift my spirits by telling myself that is only temporary. If I was only pushing myself, I’d give up.

5. Leave it outside–theater people are dramatic. Very dramatic. We were told that any time we had any emotional pull in our lives that it was to be left outside the door so for the 90 minutes we were in class, we had to focus on class, and not the emotional pull of our lives. This one was surprisingly easy–and I had a lot of drama back then, or what seemed like a lot of drama. We were to come in with open minds and hearts so we could do good work. This might not necessarily work for those of you who are at a desk for 8 hours, but giving yourself time limits for emotions is a good way to control them. Allow yourself to only be emotional on bathroom breaks. Or lunch time. Or only with specific people at designated times.  A coffee run can be a great kvetch session.  Again, it’s not for all people, but taking control of your emotions by allowing them at specific times is something I found very helpful to focus on other things. #savethedramaforyomama

6. Show up–first rule of my class was, sick or not, sad or happy, tired or awake, we were to show up for acting class.   This was required for two reasons, other than the “you should attend class” rule.  First–we all have a partner or someone we depend on.  If I couldn’t work, my partner would suffer my absence as well as me.  Sometimes if I wasn’t physically able to do my scene, just sitting and reading the script with my partner would make all the difference.

Second–most of the time showing up makes you feel better.  We were told that if we just showed up to class that we would get credit. If we were feeling too crummy to participate, we could just watch. If we were feeling death-warmed-up, we were dismissed. Most of the time, I felt better for just going. And twice I was allowed to leave without being counted absent. Maybe it’s only me, but perfect attendance feels pretty darn awesome.

7. Judge kindly–yourself or the work and creativity of others. We were told we should critique others work. It helps us see what we liked and didn’t like, and what works and doesn’t work.  Although you shouldn’t judge, critically looking at the work of others will help you understand the work.

Inversely, it also taught us how to take a critique or compliment. HOWEVER, when we were critiquing, if it was a negative–we were to use “I wish…” So instead of saying “you should have known your lines better” we were to say “I wish you would have been more familiar with the text.” Instead of “wow, you were over dramatic at one point” we would say “I wish you would have taken it down a notch in the middle, because everything on one note was grating.” Anything negatively can be said constructively. I find I get more results with everyone in my life if I ask or reply in a positive way.

It’s amazing that a class I took when I was 19-20 years old has rippled it’s way through my life. Little changes, little adjustments in your life and attitude make so much difference. Try some of these for a week or two. They really don’t take a lot of effort. Make a new habit and see how you feel!

–Clare

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When Entreprenuers Marry

“So, how’s married life?”

“Amazing!”

“Really?”

Seriously, I have this exchange almost daily. Someone asks me how married life is. I say amazing, so great, wonderful and other perfectly descriptive words that are honestly true. Instead of getting a “that’s so great” or “so happy for you.” I get the question: “Really?” Why are they so surprised? Why would they ask if they didn’t want to hear the truth? Were they wishing I said something else like “it’s ok?” I hate to think that they were hoping I would say something negative that would help them feel better about their own situation.


When my mother said it I finally asked her why everyone is acting surprised. Now, I don’t mean to imply that every person who says it is doubting. But, the way they say it seems to be a feeling of doubtful surprise. 

She said that it’s because there are adjustments getting used to the person, marriage is hard, etc. Of course I never went into marriage thinking it would be easy. Unlike many of my college friends I saw the ups and downs of a marriage. Side note: I went to a Private University and found out that many people never saw their parents fight ever. So, when they got married before 25 they were quite surprised. Back on to my blog, I actually don’t mind too much that I saw the arguing. They also showed the romance and were open and honest about sex and money. Going into marriage I wasn’t thinking it would be a walk in the park. 

But, I love being married! Seriously, when I say married life is amazing, it’s because, for my husband and I, it is.  Is our life easy? No. We both work multiple projects, we have dogs and some serious college debt. We basically work for ourselves which has its own entrepreneurial stress, we live in a studio apartment with 2 pitbulls. Our life is awesome! 

I don’t want to come off like my marriage/life is better than. Actually, I’m hoping I can address something more specific. Marriage or any relationship can be tough. Has its ups and it’s downs. But, it doesn’t have to be anything less than amazing.  

I listened to my mom and even a few others explain why they responded in a surprise. They had valid points. As a couple we are not experiencing those points.  At least not in a bad way. Sure, it takes getting used to going from living alone to living with someone. Combining schedules, goals and other life pressures are there daily, to challenge happiness. Here’s some of the points people have brought up are tough and how you can avoid them being an issue:


1)  Sharing space with someone else: My husband and I moved in together really quickly. Do I think this is why there was no adjusting to sharing space? Nope, but we adjusted prior to engagement so this was pretty status quo. I recommend you live with your significant other (SO) when you feel it’s right. For some people during the dating period is right. Others, post nuptials is a grand idea. Do not move in with you SO anytime before your ready. If anyone makes you feel like you should do it sooner or wait longer say “thank you, I’ll keep that in mind.” Then listen to your own gut.

We live in a studio with 2 dogs. There is not a lot of space for anyone. However, because I love our time together and we communicate we each have space for our things. Also, we don’t believe in buying more than what we need. If you are not used to sharing space with someone else before the big move in I recommend getting organized and getting rid of all things not necessary (both parties). Then, combine the households and donate duplicates or if you can just buy new stuff together and donate both “olds.” 

2) Finances: We have always pretty much gone dutch. I know this will shock some people but when we married we didn’t combine incomes. Instead we got a card together. The household stuff goes on the card we pay it off evenly and then we are free to spend our money how we want. So many fights come down to money. Someone spends and the other doesn’t or one person knows where all the money is going and the other doesn’t. We have financial goals together, savings and a vision for our future. But, we also have debts before the relationship. Our way is a great way to have constant communication about what we are buying and why without anyone feeling like they have to ask permission. This may sounds quite unromantic and very business-y but as I mentioned we are both Entrepreneurs so doing business is kind of our thing, and also when it comes to doing business it’s not personal. The finance part of life isn’t personal. So no need to treat it like it is.

3) Time: We have nights that are guaranteed work/meet with other nights and nights we expect to be together. We share a calendar so we can easily put dates and events in our schedules which allows us to avoid double booking because one person forgot to add an event to their calendar. We also don’t assume the other is free. We ask each other what we are up to for the weekend ahead and schedule in at least one date night or more a week. This way it feels like we are still asking the other person out. It’s important to have time together but also to have time with our own friends or doing our own projects.

4) Delegating tasks: Who does what? Why? When? Well, I refuse to nag and I hate to ask more than once. We use Basecamp to assign todo’s, send info and have conversations about projects. This keeps them from getting lost in a slew of text messages. It also frees up our conversations to be about our day, goals and more without constantly going over what needs to be done. Imagine your messages just having emoji’s, I love you’s and have a nice day!

5) Love Languages: There is an easy, simple quiz online and single or in a relationship you must take it. Knowing how you give and receive love makes it easier for someone else to receive your love and give you love in your own language. My love languages are “words of affirmation” and “touch.” My husbands are “acts of service” and “touch.” When I surprise him with a pizza I am speaking his love language. When he leaves me a note on my coffee cup telling me something sweet he is speaking mine. When we speak our own language to each other we are able to translate that. All relationships require communication and vulnerability.

There are probably more points of contention in relationships I could talk about. But, I’ll save those for a different day. If you’re single, keep these in the back of your mind for the next relationship. If you’re in a relationship and struggling with one of these, try it out. Let me know how it goes. No two relationships are the same.

Finally, I ran into two girlfriends this past week. One who has been married 10 years and another 3. Both asked how married life was going. I said “absolutely amazing!” They responded “isn’t it! Don’t you just love being married?” So, nice to hear that I am not the only one. Which means everyone can have amazingness in their relationships whether they are single, dating, married or betrothed.

xx~LL

PS you can check out our wedding at APracticalWedding.com and listen to our Story as we just launched a podcast.

Ways I’m trying to quash my jealousy. 

Jealousy is an interesting feeling. It comes up suddenly and inspires all sorts of feelings: rage, disappointment, loneliness, insecurity, to mention a few. Jealousy is the really frustrated and angry feeling of desire or need for what someone else has. According to Psychology Today “jealousy can strike…when a third party threat to a valued relationship is perceived…”

Now, I don’t get jealous easily. Sure I’ve felt my share of envy: wanting a certain role now, or a new flute in high school, wanting the drive others have to make their careers work.  I am envious of many people, but very rarely jealous.  And although similar, they’re far from the same thing.  Lately, I’ve been suffering tremendously, painful jealousy.  One of my friends seems to spend so much time with another friend and it drives me crazy, nee insane. Al, my friend, seems to continually post on social media every time they hang out. They see each other multiple times a week. They’ve been on vacations together.  And with it in my face constantly, I find that I’m actually doubly jealous because I want a friend like that, and I want to be that to my friend.  I want that, but for some reason can’t have it.  And I don’t know why.


Jealousy is not a fun way to feel. It’s anger and neediness all rolled into one. According to Psychology Today, it’s a survival skill that arises when a relationship feels threatened.  And I guess that is where I am. It’s an odd feeling–I rarely feel threatened.  But for some reason, this friendship I do. I just can’t be all the things that this other friend is to Al.  And I don’t know why. Which makes me seem inferior and unworthy, which makes me jealous and depressed. And the cycle doesn’t stop.

Relationships are chemical. All relationships. Romantic or platonic, although we’re more forgiving in the platonic kind. However this chemical attraction is what keeps the relationship going. We have to work hard on all relationships. We have to come forward, or in my case, let others come forward and take ownership of the relationship as well.  When one person doesn’t seem to put forward as much as the other, it’s frustrating. And it gets worse when they put, what seems to be more effort, towards another person.

I’m jealous because I want to be everything, but I can’t. I want to be as important to Al as he is to me….and I want to believe I am, but for some reason I don’t trust the fact. I don’t expect any of my friends to solely focus on me. That would be narcissistic and boring. But at the same time, I’m jealous that my friend seems to spend a lot of time with another one of his friends.

In a conversation tonight with my friend Dee, a nail was hit on the head. Dee tossed the painful realization at me that I’m seeking to fill a void in my life and seeking to fill it with people who aren’t correctly suited to do so. Instead I need to find the strength within myself to be complete, and not wait around for my friend Al to come dashing to my side–because that has never happened, and probably won’t.


As I’m writing this, I’m babysitting and watching the end of Big Hero 6–the kiddos started it before they went to bed and it’s running in the background. And I do love this movie.  Sorry to ruin it for you, but in one of the final scenes Beta Max says to Hiro–who doesn’t want to leave him– “I will always be with you.”

The Universe always sends the message we need, doesn’t it??

Trust.  Trust is the antidote to jealousy.


I have to trust my friendship.  It is important.  My friend Al does make time for me and is happy to see me, but for some reason I forget that the moment I see a picture on social media.  I have to create a strong talisman against this jealousy. So what am I doing to make this better?

  1. Breathe.  Yeah… this is ALWAYS my first step–but its important to do.
  2. Get it out physically.  DON’T HURT ANYONE, but a nice jog or a hearty physical workout always helps get the emotions out of my body.
  3. Block social media.  I took a break from my friend.  I hid him for a couple of weeks.  If I want to text or call or email, I do.  But I’m taking a social media hiatus until I can handle it again.  (After all, social media isn’t real life.  Its what people want you to see.)
  4. Journal.  And blog.  And talk to friends.  Get it out–otherwise it festers.
  5. Rational conversation.  When I’m ready, I’m going to have a rational, unemotional conversation with my friend–I actually have had this conversation with him a few times.  Every time he always hugs me, tells me I’m silly because he loves spending time with me.
  6. Know your pressure points.  Like in step one, I know that social media pics and posts push me over the edge.  You can’t avoid the pressure points forever, but know when you are about to steer into a situation that might set you off, either mentally arm yourself, or know you’re about to snap, and try to restrain your feelings.

I would like to make clear that I’M NOT a psychologist or psychiatrist.  However I do know people, and I am trying to learn my own mind.  Jealousy is not an easy emotion to deal with, and I certainly haven’t mastered or overcome it yet.  I would love to discuss this with any of you!  Please leave comments or suggestions!!

–Clare