Kissing IS Personal

One of my first memories of the tale of my Love and I was our first kiss. Oddly, I don’t tell this detail I’m about to share with you often. In fact, when I tell our story I see this scene in my head but I gloss over the detail, or shorten our first night into a sentence or two. “We had an amazing night, I knew he and I were perfect for each other just Not right now. I left without giving him my number and he didn’t ask.” Then I go into the next headlines.
The truth is that our first night getting to know each other was/is truly special. We talked for hours at Sassafras, a saloon in Hollywood. We actually shared our breakups (both of us just barely 6 months out of serious relationships). Shared our life goals and our Strength Finders results. Ok, so we are also kind of nerdy. My point in telling you this is, before there was even the potential of another encounter we got intimate. Vulnerable. We shared honest details about ourselves.

Then he ASKED if he could kiss me.

I remember it like it was yesterday. We were standing there face to face. Of course I wanted him to. Of course I was hoping. Then he asked!

Now, I’m trying to think back of all the kisses I have had. As you know from my post “First Kiss” that one didn’t. I know my ex didn’t and I’m pretty sure those I kissed during “Duty Dating” didn’t.  Not that they should have or needed to ask. Body language can also imply that one is ready and open to kissing.

However, in this moment he asked me. When my entire insides screamed YES!   I knew this was different. It wasn’t just my physical being but much deeper than that.  I responded with “I was hoping you would.” Not so much a spoiler alert since we are together. But, yes we stood there and kissed and…well our families read this so….

My favorite movie, if I haven’t told you already, is Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. When I say favorite I mean FAVVVVVORITE!!!! I can quote it from the opening to the closing credits. Aside from the great and soon to be blogged about “What’s your Dream? Hey Sista What’s your dream?” or the scene where she walks back on to Rodeo and says “You work on commission right? Big Mistake! Big!  Huge.” Shoves her bags up in the air at the snooty sales women. I am sure I’ll write about that too. Today’s blog is about Getting Personal.  When Richard Gere’s character and her are discussing what she will and will not do for money. She’ll do anything. But she won’t kiss on the lips. Too Personal.

Is Kissing too Personal?

I have written about Your Best Sex and  Sex with Friends. If you haven’t read those. Click the links and do read. It’s important you know that I am not a prude. I am not here to say that you shouldn’t get close, personal, intimate, sexy. Quite the opposite. I want all of that and more for you.

Today, on the phone with my Love I said “I cannot wait until you’re not sick; I miss kissing you.” He has the flu; I teach Pilates so I cannot get sick. He knows that if I get sick, it halts my income. But back to kissing.  He said: “I know two days ago I was thinking if it was possible to have sex without kissing.”

Aside from the weirdness of that remark. Also, how anyone with the flu could possibly perform is a question I do not have the answer to. I proclaimed No Kissing is the best part. Ok, well almost the best part. But it’s one if not THE most important part. It’s like Julia Roberts’ character says: it’s too personal.

Maybe this is TMI, but I love kissing. When I see him at Trader Joe’s waling down the isle toward me, I can be taken up in the moment, and we actually kiss like couples do in a romantic scene in the movies. I guess low cost organic food packages for individuals gets me romantic. Or more likely than not we just enjoy being that personal; that intimate.

Kissing is very important!   Before you do the deed, I think it’s pretty important to enjoy kissing the other person. You can learn a lot about someone by the way they kiss you. If you’re present and aware of what you like and need you will probably be better prepared to make the decision of whether or not you want to take it to the next step. P.S. I am not sure what the next base is anymore. Somewhere in between the generations, first and third, or second base just became a blur of tastes or preferences. But kissing should be first. You should like it and want more of it.

If you’re single, please take the time to get to know someone, enjoy kissing them. Do not rush this step and end up in a relationship that doesn’t have kissing you enjoy.

In a relationship…when’s the last time you truly kissed your partner? I’m not talking about the kisses because it’s part of the routine. I’m talking the kisses where time stands still. The kiss where your surroundings blur, are forgotten, the Trader Joe’s aisles disappear, and it’s just you and your mate. Those don’t have to be special occasion. In fact, I’d argue they shouldn’t be special occasion.

But,  you have to want it. You have to make the point to do it. The next time you kiss, be present. Be intimate. Let yourself enjoy your partner. Even if it’s in the TJs aisle.

So, before you can have Sex with Friends, Your Best Sex or even a third, fourth or future date: get personal. Get kissed!  And if you like it, have seconds!


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What’s In A Name?

From the start of our lives, actually before you breathe your first breath, someone (or someones) were putting thought into your name. The importance of your name is bigger than I think we give it.  Your parents spent time, had conversations even arguments if you had my parents (who almost got a divorce …) about what your name would be. Your name is the beginning of your identity, whom people will refer to you as, how they will Google you.  Your name makes you Unique and Real over simply just: girl, boy, she, he, that person, etc.

I know you’re wondering about the divorce about my birth certificate so I will digress now and come back to my point in a minute. I am the first born in my family. The first grandchild as well. My name was the topic of many discussions before and after my birth. My mother will readily tell you she wanted Margo Jacqueline, hated the name Lesley Michell (pronounced “Michelle”).  Longer story about that, too long for this blog, but after much discussions (probably louder than the neighbors preferred), they settled on Morgan Jacqueline Logan. The naming of me was a way for them to connect to me, their unborn child. After a very long, hard, grueling labor (as my mother would tell you) I was born. After days, my father signed the certificate while my mother was still recovering. Lesley Michell Logan. You can imagine my mother’s surprise and desire for separation at the sight of my birth name.  To this day, she still reminds me that I can change my name at any time. (Side note: I happen to LOVE my name.)  But, I can see how my mother had a hard time connecting to a name she didn’t like. Her connection to the name Lesley wasn’t positive.

When we are dating, hopefully you are having fun and are dating around (note I said dating—not to be confused with sleeping, schtupping, or whoring around). Dating is a two way interview. You are trying your dates on as a partner in crime.  Date one, two, five…you are getting to know them, their goals and if they are worthy of calling you their partner. In Sex and the City Carrie used to call her love connection “Mr. Big”.  It wasn’t until the very end of the series that we learned his name. We laughed and or made fun of this whole “pet name” for him. But really it’s a useful tool in the dating world. Lady Gaga even named a guy “Nebraska” in her song You and I to keep him anonymous. When you are doing these “first interviews” I feel its important to keep yourself light and having fun. Not immediately connecting yourself into a full on relationship with someone after the first date. Also, when giving the run down of your date/s with your friends a “pet name” is a great way to keep them from being to involved, and you from attaching too much too soon.

My friends growing up had lots of animals on their farm. None except the dogs and cats had names. Why? Because the chickens could become dinner someday…Not that your date is a chicken that could become consumed post date—just that not every date will be someone you want to date again. It’s nice to set boundaries until the date becomes the partner.

How does this work. Well, in my Duty Dating  period there was “The Young One”, “The Structure”, “The Lawyer”, “The Comedian”, “The Pilot” and “The Musician”. When I was chatting with my friends, I would use those “names” to refer to them. This kept them anonymous as well. When you’re in the beginning you’re still figuring out how you feel. You are weighing it all out. Nicknames keep it light, fun and take the pressure off. The importance of a persons name makes the relationship more real. Save that for when you want the relationship to be real.





Growing Out Of Friends

Friendships are usually loving relationships with urban family members of your choosing.  However sometimes they do grow stale and even toxic.  Earlier today, I sent a link to a friend about an article online that I thought she would find comically introspective. Although I sent the article with good intentions, she got quite incensed. It used to be that she would laugh at something like this, and not take it so personally, but now she sees it as an attack—and I’m probably mothering and smothering, as I’m wont to do.  Both of us have changed along the way, and neither of the women we have become inside the friendship are the women who entered it.  We’ve evolved.  We are at the point of toxicity.  We’ve grown past our need for each other.  So the question begs to be asked: what do you do when you’ve found yourself outgrowing a friend?

Like a romantic relationship, a good friendship is a partnership. They should bring out your best, help you shadow your dark to the public, and help you tailor or fix these things in private. You’re not necessarily agreeing to go in half and half, but you do have to ebb and flow with what life brings to this coupling.  Someone once told me that kindred spirits find you when they are needed and then when they no longer are, they leave you. They might come find you in other lives (whether you’re a faithful person or a spiritual person, we all think that we will find people again that mean a lot to us).  The big question for today is: when is the time to leave people in this lifetime?

We often think about how to update and improve our romantic relationships.  Couples go to counseling in extreme situations, but successful couples continually strive to make the relationship new or constantly evolving.  In today’s society, where we are in consistent endurance to make our own selves better, and our romantic relationships better, the same society that applauds and reveres “friendship comedies” like Sex and the City, Friends, Will and Grace, and How I Met Your Mother, why are we NOT investing more time into friendships?

Have you found that you’re sort of ignoring or avoiding a friendship?  Maybe you’re not reaching out to the friend at this moment because the person no longer serves you.  And that’s OK.  Really.  People come and go in our lives.  Humans are constantly growing, adapting, and making changes with our lives and where our journey is taking us.  This really is ok.  Change in friendship is bound to happen when you’re upgrading and updating your life.  So what do you do when this happens?

Friendships have to be whatever suits both of you.  At the beginning it could just be a mutual shoulder to cry on and bitch to, but understand that you’ll need to grow and adapt as you both grow and change as people.  When the friendship starts feeling labored, or even if you’re just simply not as excited as you once were to see the person, then its time to rethink your friendship formula, or even walk away.  Not a bad thing.  Change isn’t always bad.  Adapting your friendship to your lifestyle is something that does exist.  Sometimes its natural or unneeded, if you’re lucky, and the friendship just adapts itself.

Taking a break isn’t always detrimental, either.  Lesley and I met at work, many different life choices ago.  Dramatic things happened; I changed jobs, Lesley moved up in the company.  We stayed friends, but weren’t as close because our friendship was built into our work lives.  Lots of things happened in between. I do think that Lesley and I grew out of each other, and then grew back in.  I don’t think I ever got tired of Lesley (and I’m not writing this because I know she’s reading and editing it) but we truly just grew away from each other.  Because I listened to where life was taking me, it led me back to her at a moment that we both needed the support—A Boomerang Friendship, Lesley has dubbed this phenomenon.

Know that sometimes people come into our lives and accomplish what they need to and then move on.  Like anything else in life, change and adapt to what you’re thrown.  Feel free to keep in touch with as many people as you care to on social media, but know that the real friendships are those that both sides invest in and make a priority in life.  If you’re not making someone a priority, or enjoying your time, then its time to evaluate, try to fix, and possibly let go.  Its alright.  Change happens.  Breathe and let go.  A forced friendship is never a good friendship.  If you’re lucky, friendships just work, but sometimes you do have to work at a friendship.  Evaluation and evolution are never a bad thing to stop and do.  A good friend will be there to support change, not add to the aggravation of it!

Friendships are hard.  Cell phones, Internet, and social media allow a little more assistance with friendships, but they don’t do the work for you, they just make it easier to connect.  In a way, these technological advancements have made us even lazier at friendship cultivation.  You have to work at friendships.  You have to check up on people and invest in them to have them invest back.  A successful friendship isn’t a two way street every day, but you have to get back a good amount of what you put in order to remain devoted.  You just have to understand what you put in isn’t always the same thing you’ll get back.  Make sure that your friendships are still working and are serving your current life.  Friendships aren’t always fun, but they should never, ever be labored or make you feel bad about yourself or your life choices.  Evaluate yourself in your friendships—are you getting as much as you would like in return?  Is it you or the friend?   If a friend is driving you crazy, evaluate the relationship and maybe take a break.  Otherwise, you might keep trucking down past the point of no return.  Like any good relationship, a good friendship brings out the best in ourselves.  If you’re not seeing your best, you’re not in the right relationship anymore.