Leap Already

I  have written about it before in a few blog posts “Leap of Faith” and “Climbing the care” and here I am writing about it again: The proverbial “Leap of Faith”, the big “jump and your net will appear”.  If you are at the edge and wondering if you should “just go for it” or hang back and play it safe this blog is for you!

  1. Jump and the net will appear: maybe…It also might not! But, you’ll never know unless you go for it. Plus, what is the worse case scenario? Seriously, what is it? I’ll wait….Is it death? Or is it just feeling like a failure? Tony Robbins said, “there is winning and there is learning.” So, there you go! JUMP! Freaking go for it!
  2. Plan it out: What is it that you want to appear? What net are you hoping catches you? What do you need to do to put the odds in your favor for that net to appear? If you want to be a doctor but you don’t go to med school then chances are your net won’t appear. But, if you create the plan that in theory gets you to where you want to go then all that is left is for you to “jump”.
  3.  Give yourself the gift of a decision: Choose to leap, postpone the leap or pick a date to think about leaping or not. Wavering back and forth is the worst thing in the world. Idling sucks. It also eventually drives you crazy, causes you to doubt other things in your life and pretty much helps you procrastinate other things you could be doing!

So, what leap have you been thinking about? Steve Harvey had a video going viral for awhile about jumping and parachutes. You never know when they are going to open but they never will if you don’t jump and get some air beneath your wings.

xx~LL 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The term “girls’ night out” can bring up a range of images and memories! In my early 20’s girls night was basically heels, tight jeans, great hair and starting out with the girls…then…as  the debauchery ensued boys were added to the mix and we may or may not have gone home with the girls we started with. Instead, promises to get home safe, use a condom and call each other in the morning.  In my late 20’s girls’ night out was a variety of outfits ranging from work clothes to gym clothes. Drinks were still a constant but the expectation was that we would each be going to our own homes, to our boys and no need to “check in” in the morning. Now in my early 30’s girls nights are just that—girls nights. Attire doesn’t matter, check-in’s unnecessary but the conversation is more of a combo of the early and late 20’s. Drinks and/or fresh juice are ordered in rounds and connecting with women of like minds is so liberating, inspiring and necessary.

But, sometimes the conversation leaves a bad taste. Honesty is good.  Wounding each other is not. I am talking more about when you realize that your friends have a distinct difference in perspective on something and it is different from yours. You probably would speak your mind and agree to disagree and then maybe even avoid that topic in the future. All is fine. It really is, in fact it’s healthy to have differing perspective.

Recently I was out having one of these girls’ night outs. I brought up a discussion I had previously with a particular male suitor. I had told him that if he wanted to spend time with me on a Saturday night he needed to ask me out before Saturday night. Preferably before that same Saturday afternoon but why split hairs. My ladies wondered why that mattered. Why did I need this suitor to call me before, he was calling me after all what difference did it make when he called?  I did my best to keep my jaw from falling on the floor and breaking.  Why is it important to contact me before the evening in question? Respect!! R-E-S-P-E-C-T (yes you can sing that out loud).

If the person calling you last minute is someone you are just hooking up with then absolutely the timing of the call makes no difference. Neither of you are respecting or asking for respect of each other. You’re mutually using each other for a connection and if one of you isn’t free no big deal, one of you will just continue through your contacts and call the next person.

If the person calling you last minute is someone you want to date, have a future anything with…Guess what?! They better be contacting you at least a day or so ahead of time. Asking if you’re free and then the two of you sharpie that date in your schedulers. Or at least ask Siri to put it in your calendar for you. This pre-planning shows several things. 1) Respect! For you and your time. 2) they are thinking of you and looking forward to the next time. 3) They don’t want someone else to snag your Saturday night.

My girls night out friends agreed to disagree. Which is fine. But, I was still bothered. Why? Because I think we have convinced ourselves that we don’t need that courtship or that it doesn’t exist. Or worse doesn’t need to exist.  That it’s a fact that men do not contact ahead of time. That we should be the ones that text, call, email, Facebook, tweet them to get them to think of us in hopes that this attempt at connecting will elicit a date. Then we complain that there are no good ones out there. Because of all of this, we also have convinced ourselves that as long as he calls, texts, tweets, what’s app’d us that he’s into us and all is good.

Nope! Wrong! If we want to be treated like the queens we are then we need to act like a queen.  Sure, acting like a queen means watching and kicking lots of jester’s to the curb but one day your king—do not settle for a prince!—will show up. Honestly, do you want someone thinking of you because you put yourself in their thoughts?

First steps in declaring your queen-ness and Respecting yourself:

1) do not contact him unless asked to respond. If he wants to call you he will…seriously he’ll make up a reason to call you if he doesn’t have one!  Don’t contrive Opportunities.

2) do not jump at every chance to go on a date. Ask yourself is he a king? Hint a king doesn’t call at 8pm Saturday for that evening’s date.

3) Love and RESPECT thyself NOW!

Yep, I only have three tips. Why? Because loving and respecting yourself ensures that you will attract or respond to someone who respects you. I have happily seen my girlfriends move past this evening and now see my point. When you’re Duty Dating or just out having fun then enjoy all that comes with that. But, if you want more, need more…then these tips are for you! I know from experience that this will work.

LL

Professing

In my first weeks of post relationship I read dating books upon dating books! Ok, that’s not the point of the blog,its just my disclaimer (Men…Don’t skip this post there is some tidbits just for you) . When I first became single I read Steve’s book “Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.   Both contain the absolute truths to dating. When you read them you will have many disagreements with them, you will love parts and hate parts (Clare read He’s Just Not That Into You and threw it across the room in exasperation). You will question, doubt and become annoyed. But, their advice is spot on. Sorry. You WILL probably date LESS. This is because you will be dating SMARTER. But, I am still digressing.

So, I read both of those books back to back and it was as if someone had given me the keys to the kingdom of my dating life. There will be more examples of this in future blogs and the Live ClareLesley book. But, today I want to talk about Professing. The first time I heard about this and realized how important it is in a relationship was in Mr. Harvey’s book.

In the past, girls would get “Pinned” or wear their boyfriend’s letterman’s jacket. These were symbols that they were someone’s girl. I know that are opinions that these could also be symbols of ownership, claiming etc. But, for the purposes of this post, let’s look at them as signs of love and endearment. Of a man Professing his relationship and commitment with the one he wants to be with.

Once we left high school there are no iconic ways to claim and be claim. No letterman’s jackets. There are no pins. So, how do you know a man is Professing that you are the one he is proud to have on his arm? (Men, how do you prove that the person you’re dating is yours, to others?) There are the signs, including being introduced as his “girlfriend” when you meet friends, families and co-workers. By the way, this means if he is introducing you only by your name and/or as his friend, then your name, he is not Professing you as his. He’s fine to be seen with you, but he’s keeping his options open. If you don’t like it, don’t date him. I know you’re thinking “But Lesley…” Do not “but” me on this. Clare will tell you, I won’t listen. Walk away and find a real man who is proud to Profess his commitment to you.  Back to the point: There is also the new way of Professing with the “in a relationship” relationship status change on Facebook. My ex and I in the 5 years we dated, never had ourselves as “in a relationship.” His reasoning was for work. Hmmmm…and somehow we didn’t work out.

But, what if you don’t want to make a beeline for the relationship status change? I will be the first to tell you: do not make a beeline for the relationship status change. I will go into this status change more below. Well there are other signs to be aware of:

1) How are you being introduced? Are you being introduced at all?

2) Whom are you being introduced to?  Close friends, acquaintances, co-workers, family? If you are not meeting anyone in his life, well that’s a BIG neon sign, my friend.

3) Are there posted pictures of you on social media (if they have any pages)? If they have social media and they actually use it yet you’re nowhere to be seen on it, again, it’s clearer than water that they’re not Professing. A change in profile pictures is a pretty good sign you’re in!

It’s wonderful if they call, it’s great if they take you out, but if you’re not being introduced to friends or other people in their lives after a month or so, there is a reason. If you don’t want to call them out on it, you don’t have to today. Just be aware. If you want to be the Girl Friend and not the Girl Friday, check out the signs he’s sending to the world about you and the two of you. This is not to say that after the first date you should see yourself being announced from the status bar, tagged in every check in. Professing is gradual. It should be. Dating is a two-way interview. You should probably want to make sure you want him to Profess about you in the first place. I know no one wants to be single but don’t be so desperate to be a “We” that you change your relationship status for the first guy who winks at you.

Now, the relationship status change. Ok, I have not made a clear stance on this yet. Part of me thinks it’s sweet and a great way to announce to the world that you and your guy are a “We.” It also definitely keeps those online lurkers moving onto the next profile (or at least it should). For me, I have never changed my relationship status. I know I would if I were engaged and married. I think that changing it for a boyfriend or girlfriend situation is personal, and there are no hard lines for me on this. I think it’s more important to the relationship that the couple have clear communication with each other on what their status is. Meaning: are they open to seeing other people? Committed to only each other? We put so much of our personal lives out in the world via so many social media handles. The relationship status change to “in a relationship” is not as important to the “Professing” as Facebook would like us to believe. In my opinion, it’s the in person, in public (real public) and close circles of friends and family that’s most important.

Guys, as promised. Here’s why from a Lady’s perspective Professing is NECESSARY: If she knows who she is to you and your life she will:

1) be proud to be by your side

2) support you, massage you, (ahemm) you and make you look like a rock star

3) will have your back more than anyone will

4) is loyal to the core to you

5) love you, get excited for you, get you excited and…more

No girl likes to feel used. The limbo, purgatory, in between time is important. Women—if you’re not sensing Profession, demand it or get out. Men—if you like who you’re dating make it known to those who matter in your life. If you don’t, that’s ok, too. Let her go sweetly, to find the man who will.

Like life, nothing is black and white. There is the gray that is personal to each individual. But, The Steve’s, and Greg’s, and Liz’s have written it. I have read it, lived it, and am here to say to you men and women: it’s time to take notice, be present in the relationships you are in. Life is too short to be anything else than present.

LL